better off (why am I still alone?) pt. 1

Front of my friend’s driveway. Fingertips on the car door. My friend nonchalantly says “You are pursuable.”

I thought... What does that even mean? What does it mean to be someone worth pursuing?

There was a point in my life when I thought: “Am I worth pursuing? If I am, why does it feel like the only ones pursuing me are the ones who aren’t a part of my dream?”

I wrote this poem from that place... from the point of view of the little girl in me... the one who didn’t feel secure enough to see any of the dreams that dwelled within her heart that was shattered by the cloud of chaos she inflicted upon herself.

Lots of lines penned here today are emotions I used to feel when I was trapped by the past. May it bring validity to your feelings, especially those hard ones that you can’t quite muster up the strength to express.

May it bring hope to the girls who feel the weight of their decisions will outweigh the grace God freely gives. May it bring peace to the one who feels lonely and like nobody sees her. May it bring hope to those of us who feel like our heartbreak is too much to ever be mended or healed back to wholeness again.

Let the weight be the very thing that drives you to repentance. That drives you to turn to the One whom your soul longs for. (Song of Solomon 3:4)

Flip the pressure from the weight on its head. What if the pressure is the very thing that will turn you towards a God who loves fiercely and perfectly? Give God all of your heart and watch as the mending takes place and He melts away the heartache. With love like this - one that is sure and true - know the fire in His eyes is blazing for you. He’ll bring that special someone at just the right time. (says the single girl, that’s right!!!)

One thing that I realized the other day (yet I am still processing), that has been so healing for me is this:

“This time of singleness you’ve been given is to care for yourself. You spent so much time caring for others that you put yourself on the back burner.

You had this co-dependent care for others in a way that destroyed you. While your hands grasped for a pot that was never yours to stir, you were cooking another meal that ended up poisoning you for the worse.

You spent so much time putting others first, now I’ll teach you how to put Me first, and from that overflow, you’ll learn to take care of yourself.

Don’t satisfy a short-term appetite for food that is fast and toxic, and will ultimately lead to malnourishment.

More often than not, I’ve noticed our inclination toward addictive relationship patterns over healthy ones because dysfunction is all we know. My heart burns for all of us to walk out of our dysfunction and into the beautiful destiny God has designed for relationships.

Know you’re better off being the most whole, healed, and complete version of yourself before anyone walks through the door of your heart too.

We tend to associate our fulfillment with another human being who is just as broken and fragile as us and who is unable to match the type of love we’re destined to cultivate.

The best moments of our lives are sown by seeds of patience. Patience builds our character. Our persistent prayers shape our futures and point us back to the only one who can satisfy our love-sick hearts.

The glorious future God has is worth the wait and I’m waiting with you too, sis.

In due time, we’ll look back and see how Jesus molded us into individuals who are ready to step into our next in confidence and wholeness with a peace that only God could bring into our relationship.

I don’t know about you, but I want to add strength, security, peace, and more to every relationship I’m in. That only comes from an overflow of a real and authentic relationship with Jesus that you must choose to cultivate. How do you cultivate? Baby, you dig… and dig… and dig some more. Into the live-giving, chain-breaking power of His word. Into the deep recesses of your heart.

And then you recognize that all inner peace or strength or any other beautiful internal work comes from God himself. It comes from being with Him and allowing Him to change the complex nuances of our hearts into one that is tender, firm, and honest in the grips of His hands.

Vulnerable thoughts have been shoveled. Painful moments of threshing have taken place to make up most of the emotions I’ll illustrate in this poem today.

Here it is - an evolution of sorts - that goes from heartbreak to wrestling, wondering, waiting, to wholeness, and being on the journey of loving Jesus and myself better.

Better off alone
By myself
Single and... insecure
These insecurities gettin’ the best of me
Fillin’ my mind with uncertainty

A blank piece of paper,
Nothin written but emptiness
What do I do with this lack of affection?
A void too strong to be written off with the scribble of a pen that’ll never know the desires that are written within
What do I do with this desire for a love that is all-consuming?
What do I do when all I feel is loneliness?

This desire for a love that’d satisfy every need is leaving its mark on me
This desire is makin’ me think I was made for him and he was made for me
This desire for love is makin’ me search in all the wrong places
For boys, people, n places that make me feel more empty than I was to begin with

What is it?
What gives?
This restlessness, this longing, this wondering and waiting for a love that is higher.
Higher than all my desires, distress, n disillusionment

Higher than the fleeting relationships I’ve put myself in sync with

Higher than the idiosyncrasies that these lies tryna feed me

Higher than settling for less… my heart tryna settle in this safety net that’s only leavin’ me feelin’ more trapped

Higher than my heart gettin’ burned, leavin’ scorches from a torch I should’ve never messed with

Chased after a fire that burned up my heart n left me in the rubble

Them places better left untouched… because there is only One who is meant to touch the sacred parts of me that no one else should see.

I wonder who it is, who will it be?

to keep reading pt. 2, click here.