fallin’ full force (pt 2. of trying to get back to my inner child)
a prayer/poem:
takin’ this envelope that was mailed to me as a child, givin’ it back with the seal of Jesus, my Messiah
my fingers grip the flimsy white paper, this is the Jesus that changed my life… addressing to me something important to see
i was a little girl, just being me, without eyes to see what was going on within a confused heart like mine
i would dance with belief, a twinkle in my eyes, ballet flats on my feet
hair in a ponytail that was way too tight for my scalp
i truly loved life, and had a passion for many things, reading and fashion sparked my mind early on
would bring my books to the dinner table at night and slip on a fly outfit every time my shoes met the front porch
as I remember little me, a past me that is now long gone but still lives delightfully in my memory
i am remembering how Jesus sees me
with delight and love
with a protection and guidance that could only come from above
warm tears stream down my face…
i take her in my arms, this grace I hardly knew
i place her on my lap
and swoop back her brunette strands
look her in the eyes and tell her she is wonderfully special, wise, and kind
brave and courageous amidst the waves of life that came to change the way you see yourself and the horrific landscape… that seems too far away for your little arms to swim to
a place of safety - oh how the little me never thought she’d arrive to the shelter she now knows and lives in with her whole life
a place of refuge is where I am - choosing to live in the rescued state of my Savior
who takes my frail fingers in His mighty hands.
of course, you resorted to less of a life than you thought you deserve
i feel the validation wash over me
as wise counsel and love fills me
i can finally breathe in the peace i was always meant to live in
i can finally move in the power i was meant to operate in
as you reached for the more you didn’t have growing up, you were trying your hardest to not give up in the face of shame, defeat, loneliness, and rejection
feeling unseen
so you went to things that made you feel seen even if one second felt like a distant memory
distant memories turned into a distorted mind who would try and run this race of life and end up collapsing on the pavement
tripping every time
who knew she’d fall - full force into the Savior’s love? who knew the hurt and pain from the fall - the blood and bruises - would point her to the greatest bloodshed of all time?
now I sit here, as a 23-year-old, a few months down in therapy
tryna tend to the scars my inner child is healing from
these scars may take time to heal and they may never fully dissipate
but I stand here today as a living testimony that Jesus the Messiah has taken off more weight than I have time to explain
i’ve been taken back to past trauma and that’s where i’ve seen Jesus’ face
he’s in it with me as trouble and darkness took it’s best shot
got caught up in the grip of grace and now my life will never be the same
Who was I before my child-like innocence was stolen?
God, bring her back to the surface once more.
I may never be that little girl again, but Lord, bring me to the place of the greatest healing I’ll ever experience on earth before Heaven becomes the place that I stay.
mindsets of God, find a warm place to stay.
as the little girl in me was betrayed, may she release the shame that is burdening and stay forever in the melody of your mercy.
and every person reading this, may they know that they are brave enough to heal from the wounds that seem to stay. you’re with them, so close, and the fact that they’re reading this is evidence: God knows, God sees, and God loves you. He loves you so much he wants to heal you from every setback.
He has designed it to be a set up for His child to get back on track with Him - with the reality of the cross that heals, delivers, and saves, and brings us back to our intended state - fully dependent, and trusting in God with child-like faith.